Remember when you’d get in trouble as a kid? Your parents would say, “We’re not mad. We’re disappointed.”

That’s how I feel about the 2017 Super Bowl commercials. I’m not angry. Just disappointed. They don’t make ‘em like they used to.

It was a rough year for a few reasons. Heavy hitters like Doritos, Taco Bell, and BMW dropped out. Too many celebrities were enlisted. Concepts were paper-thin. Political interjections were clumsy.

But lucky for you, dear reader, I’ve slogged through the quagmire of marketing mediocrity to bring you a concise review and letter grade for (just about) every ad from Super Bowl LI.

Snickers: “Adam Driver Live”

Damnit Snickers, you’ve done it again. You’ve earned the only solid “A” I can give out this year. Live commercials are usually awful, but I loved this one.

Mr. Clean: “Cleaner of Your Dreams”

Ladies get to fantasize about Mr. Clean’s unusually taut butt. Guys get a house cleaning sexcapade. Everybody wins. A-

Wix: “Statham”

Jason Statham kicking everyone’s ass rates highly with me every time. B+

Intel: “Everyday Brady”

Tom Brady taking a slow-motion dump while the camera aggressively spins around his commode is the implication, right? Color me intrigued. B+

Michelob Ultra: “Our Bar”

Veers sharply into the so-bad-it’s-good category. Slamming a beer after running a marathon is also pretty gangster. B+

Busch: “Buschhhhh”

This is about breaking the seal, right? B+

Mercedes: “Easy Driver”

Pretty slick, but I expect nothing less from the Cohen Brothers. The Peter Fonda cameo is legit, too. B+

Nintendo: “Switch”

No concept to speak of here. Just showing off the product with music turned up to 11. Which works, because who the hell doesn’t want a Nintendo Switch? B

Mobile Strike: “Arnold”

Any excuse to have Arnold say “Get to de choppa!” makes me giddy. B

Lexus: “Man and Machine”

With some stylish Spike Jonze-esque editing and a few interesting shots, this makes Lexus look sharp. B

Honda: “Yearbooks”

In a year where almost every commercial features a celebrity, Honda has about 20 of them. I guess they win. At least there’s a concept here—even if it’s a bit creepy. B

Buick: “Cam”

A blatant rip-off from a hilarious scene in There’s Something About Mary, but that’s all it takes to make an above-average commercial this year. B

Skittles: “Romance”

Probably way funnier on paper. The police officer’s orgasmic mumble as he downs that single Skittle nearly saves it though. B-

Avocados from Mexico: “Secret Society”

There are at least 35 attempted jokes in this spot and not one lands. It’s kind of beautiful, really. B-

Febreze: “Bathroom Break”

Huffing Febreze after toasting a rat is only a temporary solution. Light a candle for better results. C+

TurboTax: “Humpty Fall”

Seeing a real-life Humpty Dumpty is unsettling. But I snickered when he coughed up that yolk. C+

Tide: “CustomerS Come First”

Gronk’s guns are the clear winner of the 51st Super Bowl. Can we get this man some holsters?   C+

Michelin: “I Need You”

Apparently, Michelin tires will keep you from running people over on your way home to your wife. I guess that’s good. C

LIFEWTR: “Inspiration Drops”

Water is an easy sell: Drink it or die. I don’t need a bunch of swirly colors to tell me that. C

T-Mobile: “#UnlimitedMoves”

T.O. has kids to feed, Bieber has 12-year-old girls to woo, and Gronkowski gets the opportunity to take his shirt off in front of a national audience. This is the zeitgeist. C

Budweiser: “Born the Hard Way”

I don’t need political commentary in my beer commercials. Stick to selling fire water. Also, this one looks expensive. C

Google: “Google Home”

Okay, Google: INITIATE SKYNET. I mean, just to see what would happen. C

WeatherTech: “Tech Team”

Someone’s gone to an awful lot of trouble to try and sell me a floor mat for my car. C

Go Daddy: “The Internet Wants You”

Let’s be serious: Anthropomorphizing the internet would involve a lot more nudity. C

Wendy’s: “Cold Storage”

I love you Wendy’s. But no matter how hard you try (and you tried very hard), a guy thawing out burgers with a hair dryer will never be more than a 3/10 on the comedy scale. C-

Proactive “Acne Kid”

Olivia Munn is 36 and that kid can’t be a day over 16. This feels statutory. C-

Ford: “Go Further”

I’ll bet the old white guys sitting around the boardroom at Ford found this incredibly generic message delightful. C-

84 Lumber: “The Journey Begins”

This is so heavy-handed. It’s got some nice shots, but what are you selling again? Lumber? I’m lost. C-

Bai: “Walken and Timberlake”

I hate to say it, but Christopher Walken is done. He needs to retire. Reciting N’sync lyrics—even ironically—is a death knell for anyone’s career. C-

Sprint: “No Need for Extreme Measures”

That smarmy Benedict Arnold ex-Verizon guy looks like he’s at the end of his rope. D+

Bud Light: “Ghost Spuds”

Bringing the ghost of Spuds back has so many funny possibilities, and this spot realizes none of them. D

King’s Hawaiian: “False Cabinet”

Find a better way to peddle your sugar bread. D

Persil Detergent: “Science Guy”

I only watched Bill Nye as a kid because he was on right before the good cartoons. I’ll stick with Gain. D


Sprite: “Lebron”

I’m not a Lebron fan. I like Sprite. But I hate auto-tune. Bring back Grant Hill. D

SquareSpace: “John Malkovich”

They had enough money to pay Malkovich, but not any writers I guess? D

Kia: “Hero’s Journey”

Oh, that Melissa McCarthy—she sure is wacky! What shenanigans! What chicanery! D-

Audi: “Daughter”

Subtlety eviscerated. F

Wonderful Pistachios: “Elephant Ernie”

Every year there’s a commercial so bad it leaves you speechless. Here it is. F

Yellowtail: “Kangaroo”

Kangaroo DJ is an automatic fail. F

KFC: “Gold”

It’s time to unplug the ventilator on this campaign. Remove the feeding tube. Embrace the death rattle. F