Remember when you’d get in trouble as a kid? Your parents would say, “We’re not mad. We’re disappointed.”
That’s how I feel about the 2017 Super Bowl commercials. I’m not angry. Just disappointed. They don’t make ‘em like they used to.
It was a rough year for a few reasons. Heavy hitters like Doritos, Taco Bell, and BMW dropped out. Too many celebrities were enlisted. Concepts were paper-thin. Political interjections were clumsy.
But lucky for you, dear reader, I’ve slogged through the quagmire of marketing mediocrity to bring you a concise review and letter grade for (just about) every ad from Super Bowl LI.
Snickers: “Adam Driver Live”
Damnit Snickers, you’ve done it again. You’ve earned the only solid “A” I can give out this year. Live commercials are usually awful, but I loved this one.
Mr. Clean: “Cleaner of Your Dreams”
Ladies get to fantasize about Mr. Clean’s unusually taut butt. Guys get a house cleaning sexcapade. Everybody wins. A-
Wix: “Statham”
Jason Statham kicking everyone’s ass rates highly with me every time. B+
Intel: “Everyday Brady”
Tom Brady taking a slow-motion dump while the camera aggressively spins around his commode is the implication, right? Color me intrigued. B+
Michelob Ultra: “Our Bar”
Veers sharply into the so-bad-it’s-good category. Slamming a beer after running a marathon is also pretty gangster. B+
Busch: “Buschhhhh”
This is about breaking the seal, right? B+
Mercedes: “Easy Driver”
Pretty slick, but I expect nothing less from the Cohen Brothers. The Peter Fonda cameo is legit, too. B+
Nintendo: “Switch”
No concept to speak of here. Just showing off the product with music turned up to 11. Which works, because who the hell doesn’t want a Nintendo Switch? B
Mobile Strike: “Arnold”
Any excuse to have Arnold say “Get to de choppa!” makes me giddy. B
Lexus: “Man and Machine”
With some stylish Spike Jonze-esque editing and a few interesting shots, this makes Lexus look sharp. B
Honda: “Yearbooks”
In a year where almost every commercial features a celebrity, Honda has about 20 of them. I guess they win. At least there’s a concept here—even if it’s a bit creepy. B
Buick: “Cam”
A blatant rip-off from a hilarious scene in There’s Something About Mary, but that’s all it takes to make an above-average commercial this year. B
Skittles: “Romance”
Probably way funnier on paper. The police officer’s orgasmic mumble as he downs that single Skittle nearly saves it though. B-
Avocados from Mexico: “Secret Society”
There are at least 35 attempted jokes in this spot and not one lands. It’s kind of beautiful, really. B-
Febreze: “Bathroom Break”
Huffing Febreze after toasting a rat is only a temporary solution. Light a candle for better results. C+
TurboTax: “Humpty Fall”
Seeing a real-life Humpty Dumpty is unsettling. But I snickered when he coughed up that yolk. C+
Tide: “CustomerS Come First”
Gronk’s guns are the clear winner of the 51st Super Bowl. Can we get this man some holsters? C+
Michelin: “I Need You”
Apparently, Michelin tires will keep you from running people over on your way home to your wife. I guess that’s good. C
LIFEWTR: “Inspiration Drops”
Water is an easy sell: Drink it or die. I don’t need a bunch of swirly colors to tell me that. C
T-Mobile: “#UnlimitedMoves”
T.O. has kids to feed, Bieber has 12-year-old girls to woo, and Gronkowski gets the opportunity to take his shirt off in front of a national audience. This is the zeitgeist. C
Budweiser: “Born the Hard Way”
I don’t need political commentary in my beer commercials. Stick to selling fire water. Also, this one looks expensive. C
Google: “Google Home”
Okay, Google: INITIATE SKYNET. I mean, just to see what would happen. C
WeatherTech: “Tech Team”
Someone’s gone to an awful lot of trouble to try and sell me a floor mat for my car. C
Go Daddy: “The Internet Wants You”
Let’s be serious: Anthropomorphizing the internet would involve a lot more nudity. C
Wendy’s: “Cold Storage”
I love you Wendy’s. But no matter how hard you try (and you tried very hard), a guy thawing out burgers with a hair dryer will never be more than a 3/10 on the comedy scale. C-
Proactive “Acne Kid”
Olivia Munn is 36 and that kid can’t be a day over 16. This feels statutory. C-
Ford: “Go Further”
I’ll bet the old white guys sitting around the boardroom at Ford found this incredibly generic message delightful. C-
84 Lumber: “The Journey Begins”
This is so heavy-handed. It’s got some nice shots, but what are you selling again? Lumber? I’m lost. C-
Bai: “Walken and Timberlake”
I hate to say it, but Christopher Walken is done. He needs to retire. Reciting N’sync lyrics—even ironically—is a death knell for anyone’s career. C-
Sprint: “No Need for Extreme Measures”
That smarmy Benedict Arnold ex-Verizon guy looks like he’s at the end of his rope. D+
Bud Light: “Ghost Spuds”
Bringing the ghost of Spuds back has so many funny possibilities, and this spot realizes none of them. D
King’s Hawaiian: “False Cabinet”
Find a better way to peddle your sugar bread. D
Persil Detergent: “Science Guy”
I only watched Bill Nye as a kid because he was on right before the good cartoons. I’ll stick with Gain. D
Sprite: “Lebron”
I’m not a Lebron fan. I like Sprite. But I hate auto-tune. Bring back Grant Hill. D
SquareSpace: “John Malkovich”
They had enough money to pay Malkovich, but not any writers I guess? D
Kia: “Hero’s Journey”
Oh, that Melissa McCarthy—she sure is wacky! What shenanigans! What chicanery! D-
Audi: “Daughter”
Subtlety eviscerated. F
Wonderful Pistachios: “Elephant Ernie”
Every year there’s a commercial so bad it leaves you speechless. Here it is. F
Yellowtail: “Kangaroo”
Kangaroo DJ is an automatic fail. F
KFC: “Gold”
It’s time to unplug the ventilator on this campaign. Remove the feeding tube. Embrace the death rattle. F