Dawn of the dumb
There aren’t any jump scares in this new DIY digital workshop video from Home Depot, but it’s still terrifying. It’s a tutorial targeted at millennials—not about how to use a belt sander or installing a sump pump or something useful—but about how to use a measuring tape. Next up: 7 Tips on Safely Sharpening Your Pencil.
Terrifyingly tone deaF
This Halloween-themed commercial from Subway is daft, sexist, and makes no serious attempt to sell me anything. Its premise—that eating Subway makes women look hot in Halloween costumes—is so absurd that I hear Tom Stoppard is adapting this spot for Broadway. And if you got that joke, you’re probably better off reading The Economist instead of this lowbrow newsletter.
Spooky sweet
Snickers makes sensational commercials, and this Halloween-themed spot from a few years ago is no exception. It’s creepy, funny, has a great payoff, and is even a little bit endearing—but it’s not quite as satisfying as that first bite of sweet, sweet nougat.
Cereal killer
I’m not someone who thinks clowns are scary, but this Sugar Rice Krinkles commercial from the 1960s is rapidly changing my mind. Kaaaaarinkles the Klown is the type of pure nightmare fuel you only stumble upon once in a generation. Pennywise looks like a baby koala next to this monster.
Creepy kielbasa
Denny’s ghastly new, um, “sausage” mascot will haunt your breakfast from his porcelain throne—and is presented without further comment. Happy All Hallows’ Eve, everybody!